By viewing, visiting or linking to this site, or even contemplating the possibility of its existence, you (“You”/”Your”) agree to the following terms of use (“Terms”) in relation to the blog nauseam web site (“Site”) and Steve Johnson (“Me”/”My”).

Terms

You will send Me, by registered mail, photographs taken in good lighting conditions and printed on glossy paper of 180 gsm or greater, of You engaged in some ridiculous, amusing, controversial and/or illegal activity. These photographs must be accompanied by a sworn affidavit, duly signed and notarized by a Justice of the Peace or the legal equivalent in Your jurisdiction, that You agree to the unfettered use of the photographs by Me, transfer of any copyright of said photographs to Me, and the sale to Me, at My option, of Your first-born child for the sum on one Zimbabwean dollar or nearest rounded equivalent in your own currency. You also agree to say nice things about Me to all Your colleagues, friends and relatives, and to do your very best to make it sound convincing.

These Terms are subject to random change at any time, and any such change will have full effect currently, retrospectively and into the distant future. Where past, present and future Terms are in opposition to each other, mutually contradictory, or otherwise simply very silly, those Terms that are best for Me and worst for You are automatically declared the winners. In such cases, You get to send Me a chocolate bar.

UPPER CASE

IN DOCUMENTS LIKE THIS GOVERNING TERMS OF USE, IT IS TRADITIONAL FOR SOME PORTIONS TO BE WRITTEN IN UPPER CASE TO MAKE SOME PARTS EVEN HARDER TO READ THAN THE REST OF THE LEGALESE DRIVEL AND TO DISCOURAGE YOU FROM READING THOSE PORTIONS BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE, PARTICULARLY WHERE EXTENSIVE USE IS MADE OF EXTREMELY LONG SENTENCES THAT GO ON AND ON BUT NEVER SEEM TO REACH A POINT WHERE THEY ARE SAYING ANYTHING MEANINGFUL BUT WHICH MAKES THE LEGAL TEAM DRAFTING THE DOCUMENT LOOK LIKE IT KNOWS SOMETHING THAT NORMAL PEOPLE COULDN’T POSSIBLY COMPREHEND SO YOU HAD BETTER KEEP PAYING THE FEES OR SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN.

THIS DOCUMENT DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY SUCH UPPER CASE SECTIONS, AND IN SUCH CASES WHERE IT DOES, NOTWITHSTANDING THE AFOREMENTIONED LEGAL JARGON IN THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PERSON, LOGICAL AND GRAMMATICAL STRUCTURE ERRORS NOTWITHSTANDING, SUCH CASES ARE NON-DETERMINISTIC IN NATURE AND NOT BINDING ON EITHER PARTY EXCEPT YOU IN THE STATE OF ALASKA, YES YOU, THE BALDING GUY WITH THE GLASSES AND THE WHITE SHIRT WITH THE STAIN ON THE POCKET, DON’T THINK I CAN’T SEE YOU, YOU ARE HEREBY DEEMED TO OWE ME A BEER.

Consequences

If You fail to fully comply with My Terms and still continue to use the Site, this will result in Me stamping my foot and holding My breath until You mend Your ways. If You threaten legal action, such threats will be deemed “correspondence for publication”, to be reproduced in full, most likely with fiercely derisive commentary.